5 Reasons Not To Eat A Severed Dick You Find On The Side Of A Highway During The Apocalypse
- ZOMBIES. The penis could have belonged to a zombie. It was cut off when the zombie’s girlfriend realized the man in front of her was no longer her boyfriend, but a walking dead man. She thought she could save him from turning into zombie by giving him a dry h.j. like she did in high school, and the memory would trigger something inside him and stop the process of becoming a brain eater. But alas, he turned. She chopped off his member with a butterfly knife and then ended his undead life. She dumped his body in a ravine, and hurled the penis across the highway. Do not eat the penis. It could turn you into a zombie.
- STDs. You have no idea who this penis belonged to. It might have been attached to a man named Chet who slept with every straight white woman in Murray Hill. Chet knows he has at least two STDs but refuses to use condoms because it feels better and he wants to make you feel good too, baby. Chet is a liar. His penis is on the side of the road and eating it will give you herpes and probably more. Do not eat it.
- EXPIRATION DATES. Last time I checked, the FDA wasn’t printing PLEASE ENJOY BY dates on severed dicks. There’s no way of telling how fresh it is. When was it cut off? When was is discarded? Did someone already take a bite and throw it from the window of their rusty pickup truck because it was disgusting? I know you are hungry, but it is most likely rancid. Leave it on the side of the road and continue your trek to the Little Debbie factory.
- SLIPPERY SLOPE. You’ve made it this far without resulting to cannibalism, a great feat indeed. Why break now? What if you eat the penis and it’s the best thing you’ve ever tasted? Your thirst for human flesh will be insatiable, your thirst for penis flesh, to be exact. You took the plunge and now it’s all you want to eat. Don’t do it. Cannibalism is like riding a slip n slide down a steep hill — you’ll never get back up.
- DAD. What if it’s your dad’s dick? DO NOT EAT IT. THE END.
