1. Value freedom over your life
You’re an American. No one can tell you to stay indoors. Freedom is what this country was founded on, and there’s no way you’re gonna to submit to Marshall’s Law. Take your kids to gymnastics camp. Roll around on the floor of Costco. Go see your ailing father, who was the first baby born of the Baby Boom. Live. Laugh. Love. Remember, it’s better to contract a ‘lil respiratory flu than communism.
2. Hoard
There is a great deal of conflicting information out there, and it’s hard to tell which “scientists” and “doctors” are the real deal. Instead of getting overwhelmed by fake news, focus on what really matters: stocking enough toilet paper to wipe your rear-end for a decade and still have some leftover to tp that neighbor’s house who has all the Bernie yard signs.
Other items for hoarding include but are not limited to: hand sanitizer, rubbing alcohol, Fireball®, face masks, Gushers™, lube and canned asparagus. Do not, under any circumstances, give away or sell the items you bought with your hard-earned money. Whoever buys them will just re-sell them and use the money to buy drugs.
3. Visit a crowded beach
Nothing will make you feel more alive and non-sick than being one of hundreds of people relaxing on the hot sands and cool waters of the American Coastline. Meet some new people. Sleep with a bunch of them. Drink a lot. Share one of those giant fishbowl drinks made of grain alcohol and blue food coloring with ten people, using ten plastic straws. You’re young, you’re healthy and the virus attacks lungs, not livers, so you’ll be fine! Good thing you don’t smoke, only vape.
Once you’re done taking a much-needed break from it all, go see your parents. They’ve been nagging you to visit ever since they started helping you out with rent, so make the trip and hug them tight. Hold on for dear life, just like they’ll be doing soon!
4. Conserve water
First the climate changers told you to stop wasting water. Now the CDC is telling you to wash your hands for twenty seconds. That’s almost a whole Bloomberg ad! Your hands will be indistinguishable from the Sahara Desert if you wash them that much. And you’ll also be dumping perfectly good water down the drain. Instead, just don’t poop on your hands and you’ll be a-ok.
5. Have a friend take a photo of you licking a subway pole
As a joke.
6. Tell your constituents to die for Economy
Economy is god, and have we angered it. The almighty Economy was very upset with everyone self-isolating, and it smote us. It rained blood upon the Dow and sent locusts to the S&P. It covered the jobs market in darkness until people had no choice but to crawl out and file for unemployment. If we don’t end this shelter-in-place nonsense once and for all, Economy will send frogs, solar flares, and unending Nickleback singles.
We must re-open our homes and businesses immediately. We must sacrifice 2% of the population upon the alter of holy Economy. Economy will be pleased. Economy will dance upon the dead bodies and make Wall Street squeal “WHEEEEE!”
7. Be the most prominent leader in the free world and believe a virus can disappear by saying it will disappear. Say this at press conferences, over and over again. Ignore doctors, yell at the media, spout lies, brag about yourself, and, most importantly, be sure to pour Draino all over government institutions for the four years preceding the pandemic.
This is the most effective way to be a Highly Infective person.
